One subject.
One feeling.
One unbudgeable, unshakeable, inescapable feeling.
The fear of an unlived life brings me to me knees. Will I ever get to see my one and only best me?
I have been held captive by illness and shackled to circumstance beyond my control. I have witnessed my biggest dreams erased and my very existence reduced to four walls and a door.
Restricted, defined, curtailed and alone.
I have pushed through tears, exhaustion and a spirit well and truly undone … to overcome a proviso forced upon me …dictating my every move.
Every one.
Unbudgeable.
Unshakeable.
That feeling. Inescapable.
The fear of an unlived life … THAT’S what really haunts me.
Will I ever inhabit the shoes of the woman I was always meant to be?
I want to know the expanse of my potential and feel the fulfillment of my own human quest. I want to stand on the stage of my own one shot at this life and deliver the best performance of my career. Ever. Seen.
I want to merge with the most BEAUTIFUL world that there is and feel, WHOLEHEARTEDLY a part of it.
I want to know, firsthand, the sweet pleasure of living fully, speaking voluptuously, loving, unabashedly…. feeling TRULY happy, on course and in total sync with my destiny.
EVERYTHING I’m capable of being. That’s what I crave. Nothing less.
I want to know what it means to be alive. No permission slips or compromise. No wait and see.
With a net cast wide, wide open, I want to reach for the stars and know NOTHING can stop me.
I want to experience all things unbound … vision, ideas and authenticity.
But most of all, I want to feel the sweet, sweet feeling of existing without the shackles of these circumstances.
What I want, is to feel free.
My tethered soul CRIES OUT for movement, expression and communion with everyONE and everyTHING.
Instead its hopes are systematically extinguished, one by one and bound in innumerable ways.
But even so, it never surrenders, or bows down.
It never yields or sways.
It leaps, even though it hurts.
It leaps, even though it fails.
It leaps, gallantly, bravely, furiously, again and again.
It prays for peace, it practises acceptance … but MORE it still craves.
No matter the hardship or barricade, no matter how implausible it may seem … it continues because it has to, it continues because it must.
It yearns for bigger, brighter, more brilliant and of ease and flow … and of a life unencumbered.
The Soul on a mission, knows no other way.
It keeps trying, seeking, BELIEVING for freedom … it’s one and only birthright.
It dreams of victory, of restoration, of glory, of release.
It dreams of breathtaking flight.
It’s loudest voice is at dusk. It’s then that the roads untraveled track me down.
In those moments, I feel the fear. I am the fear. It’s then I am afraid.
Not of past regret or present physical strife.
But afraid for my future self … will I never meet her? See her? Embrace her? Live her life?
I want to stretch my wings in every awesome way there is.
I want to live by mantras of heroism, unrivaled passion, untapped adventure, Carpe Diem, YES YES YES and ‘Follow Your Bliss.’
Road trips, love affairs, soul sisters, rock concerts and barefoot by the ocean at dawn.
I want to be a wife, mother, writer, leader, game-changer, difference-maker and shine my light, before it’s gone.
Great destinations, long held goals and my most meaningful and personal heartfelt visions come true.
New York City please wait for me, because you know I’m looking RIGHT AT YOU.
I want to BE a success story and KNOW without doubt that boundaries are not deal breakers or karmic hard lots.
That nothing, NOTHING can hold me back or determine my journey, but me.
Only I SAY when it ends. Only I CALL the shots!
I may be bruised, I may have battle scars, gaping wounds. I am changed, for sure.
But I know that I STILL have a symphony within me and so how could this be the end of my story now?
There ARE memories yet to be made and smiles yet to be smiled!
The desire to leap, regardless of bindings or indisputable odds … THAT calling to experience our best, true selves, our ultimate freedom …a life LIVED right. That’s an unbeatable force within us all.
It can NEVER be denied. No matter how often or how hard we fall.
And to my tethered soul, these words are ultimately penned with you in mind.
I feel the cutting of the restraints that hold you back.
I share the pain of a life confined.
Do NOT give up.
Keep on leaping. Leap from deep down in your core.
Never accept an existence of bondage, unfair terrain forced upon you or fear the sentence of an unlived life anymore.
Great Soul, it IS your birthright to fly.
And your destiny you WILL see.
You WILL KNOW your best you.
You will ONE DAY, break free.
P.S.
SAAB television commercial produced by Stockholm agency, Lowe Brindfors.
amelia, each breathe, each word uplifts me, understands me. we are linked in, we are aligned, we are ONE. always grateful for your spirit, for the soul that accepts and the soul that pushes through, the soul with Vision…all my love and faery dust for YOU!!
Thank you, Lovely Kimberly! x
Oh Amelia. My heart is breaking reading that post. The rawness, the reality of your situation laid bare through your eloquent words. The emotion and frustration are palpable, but so too are your hope and dreams for the future. I wish I could wave a magic wand and your body be restored to full strength so that you could stand by that ocean at dawn, gaze up at the lights in time square, be who you were destined to be. It is beyond my imagination what you are going through, truly going through, but please know this. I am honestly holding you in my heart. I believe in the power of collective love and positive energies being sent to other people to help them through life’s toughest battles.
I have been facing a few life challenges lately, that are very small in comparison, but they still hit me hard as they affect those I love the most. At my lowest point, when I was full of despair as to how I was going to cope with the situation, I leant on the gentle shoulders of my online meditation Sangha (Tibetan word for community). I wrote a post, asking for their collective help and positive thoughts, advice, support and several of the Sangha reminded me of the Buddhist noble truth of impermanence. Wikipedia defines it simply…”that all of conditioned existence, without exception, is transient, or in a constant state of flux”. It didn’t make my situation disappear or instantly resolve itself but it did allow me to sit with what was happening, gaining strength from knowing ‘this too shall pass’, maybe not today, or next week, or next month, but it will pass. And that gave me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other, walking through the pain of my current situation and coming out the other side better able to cope with it.
I know in a physical sense you are ‘alone’ but please know that in a spiritual sense, we’re right there with you. We’ve got your back. Let us be your ear when you want to share your words, your shoulder when those darkest moments hit, your soft place to fall. Feel the collective love being sent to you now, and always. With much love, Shell.x
Hi Shell,
Thank you for reading my post & for sharing your experiences. It sounds like you have faced some soul building moments of your own lately.
Thanks for believing in me & sending your love … I’m sending the same to you too! Keep on reaching for that wisdom & understanding within you. It will take you far.
A x
You and the orcas are going to be free. Just wait, you’ll see, babe. ???? Ps: lovely poetic words xo ???????????????? sending sunshine and smiles your way ????
Thanks for the sunshine & smiles, Miche! x
Yes Amelia, I found this post very inspiring. You’re doing a great job as it is. You’re uplifting others 🙂
Thanks so much for reading my post, Enma Kathryn- SO appreciate!
You will be free Amelia, the rest if the world is just getting ready for you. And I can’t wait to see what you and the world will do together xxxx
You & me both, Sarah! Thanks for your ever present support & encouragement x
This is great!. Why were you so nervous to share this? It is your pure truth. It doesn’t get more authentic than that. You are living your destiny right now. and things will change. We will be healthy. Sending love and light xxx???????? and BRAVO for bearing your soul :))))
Oh thank you, Cat!
I think expressing my deepest feelings in writing left me feeling a little raw & vulnerable. But I appreciate your support & your message, Lovely One! x
Such beautiful and inspiring words and images. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers until you are healed and totally free of this i.llness Amelia
You are so kind, Rafael! Your prayers much to me! Wishing you health & happiness!
I am in tears…reading your life, my life now…only I have lived many of the things you long for. I have been to new York and I have loved and been loved. I have children, and I have fulfilled many creative dreams in the past. I am now living a life like you are, and I have the same cravings and dreams. The past seems gone, as if I never had it. Amelia, your writing reaches out to the cosmos, and you are as expansive as the cosmos. I know you sweet friend and wish it all for you. You are a light in a darkness that only some can understand.
To the cosmos? Oh I LOVE the idea of that. Now that IS freedom!
Love to you, Gorgeous & wishing you every dream come true as well xx
Amelia, I am Susy Mallin’s son. You are strength to BOTH Mom and I. When I was an ignorant and naive man, I thought that beautiful girls and women were served life on a golden platter. I have witnessed first hand at this time in my life some very beautiful women with tremendous pain and loss to deal with. I don’t know you personally, though I do a little because Mom is also confined, but you are SO inspirational because of your true and fighting spirit, because you are obviously so beautiful and have lost so so much so so young. On your worst days, please remember you are giving us all strength, and on your best that we are so happy you have those moments.
Roland what a lovely soul you are. Thank you for your kind words & for reading my post. I really appreciate it.
An illness like MCS is a game changing experience. The support & understanding of family & friends is vital. THANK YOU for being there for your Mum.
Love & best wishes to you & your family x
Beautiful responses, Shell, Susy and Roland and others.. And Amelia…I listen…mesmerised by your symphony…awed by your spirit…humbled by your honesty…applauding your every brave step. This footstep is the destination…and now this…and now this…Dianne
Thank you for reading my post, Dianne! Oh yes the journey vs the destination… it’s a delicate balance within me! Hugs to you, Lovely Lady!
Dear Amelia,
I read your post with a heavy heart. It brought be back to the one year of living in total isolation and being tethered to an oxygen tank. I reminds me of the years of living in a hypersensitive state…unable to tolerate odors, light or noise. The painful isolation from family, friends, work and hobbies. The noise sensitivity kept me away from phones or normal in-person conversations with others. The light sensitivity kept me indoors and wearing dark glasses or blindfolds. The glare of the computer screen kept be away from the computer. The chemical sensitivity kept me away from people, stores, roads, churches. All I had to keep me grounded was my daily conversations with God. Mostly tearful ones. Many angered ones. But hope-filled none the less. After two decades of living hell…nearly 40 years later…I now am free. Limited. But free. And what a blessing to be able to work, drive, shop, fly abroad and am truly alive. My prayer is to do something that will bring global recognition of this condition. Not sure how. Or when. But once it happens, you’ll hear about it. I, for one, cannot keep this joy to myself. I pray for your continued healing…
Beautiful. Brene Brown would be so pround of you. (She teaches the power of vulnerability.)
I felt every word. I related to every word. As long as you keep writing, your spirit is heard, your destiny is fulfilled. Your body may be weak but your spirit is strong. Your body may be restricted but your spirit soars! If a life can be measured by how much one is loved and respected, you have a pretty big life. Because we all love and respect you. Your courage is Emence. As much as you feared to publish this, you spoke for hundreds who lack the courage or words. But now….they just might find it. Because of you.
Warmly, Rita Loyd