There was no ‘Pomp & Ceremony’. No marching band, festive streamers or reporters to witness the occasion … but nonetheless, it WAS an historic moment that I’ll never forgot. You see, just the other day, I cracked open my own personal TIME CAPSULE, and this is how it changed me.
When I was moved out of my small flat 2.5 years ago, and relocated to a ‘Safe Room’ at my parents house, all of my possessions were packed up and put into storage. A couple of months ago, without warning, all my things had to be moved out of that storage place & subsequently, landed right here on my doorstep. As I am now able to venture outside for short periods of time, I decided to sort through some of those storage boxes lil’ bit by lil’ bit, and ‘Spring Clean’ my stuff.
Sifting through mountains of paperwork, receipts & mementoes was like stepping back in time. An epic Time Capsule crammed FULL of milestones, memories and my biggest hopes & dreams. A surreal reunion … an unexpected episode of – ‘This is Your Life’!
Nestled together were old phone bills, glossy happy-snaps and a stack of out-dated instruction manuals for household appliances … like for my first VCR player, an electric kettle I don’t even remember owning, and a comprehensive booklet for a push button telly, circa 1985, which belonged to my Grandparents.
Some items were precious. Many others I had long forgotten about. Focused on my current predicament, I had shelved those memories in the dusty back lots of my brain cells. Until now.
I uncovered a few of my very first, hand-drawn fashion illustrations as a budding Fashion Designer (see pic below) and many bright-eyed ideas scribbled on scraps of paper …including a plan, detailing my sartorial rise to the runways of Paris, New York & Milan. Dreamin’ BIG Baby!
A couple of my business plans were there too, along with the advertising campaign photos of my very first collection from my fashion label, ‘Envious‘ (see pic in header above) and a Media Press Kit printed via one clunky, & mega prehistoric home printer, belonging to my Besties, boyfriend. Man… A lotta work for a young ambitious Gal still in her teens!
Another box overflowed with sparkly frocks & sky-high spike heels … a glamorous uniform for dancing the night away with my girlfriends every Saturday night.
Favourite books were there too. Many I had leaned on for inspiration and creative & spiritual nourishment. … One inscribed from a good friend & photographer .. “A feast for your eyes so you’ll never go hungry.” And within a world of art, colour & fabulousness, I never did.
Then, after I had dined on nostalgia till my heart was full up with smiles, another box beckoned my attention. Files upon files, squwooshed FULL of medical info, test results, x rays, records of doctors visits, photo copies from medical books & endless down-loads & print-outs from the internet.
Oh yeah, if I had forgotten for a brief moment, that a MAJOR chunk of my days on this planet, had been spent searching for healing, restoration, wellness & the answer to my suffering… HERE IT WAS. Sifting through a paper trail of my HEALING QUEST, I recalled an underlying theme.
Because I felt that I had tried virtually ‘EVERYTHING’, and was STILL sick, I figured that somehow, I HAD FAILED.
Long guilty of a wordy rehash, littered with ‘what ifs’ & ‘maybes’, I often wondered if I had tried my absolute best to get well. OK, more like tortured myself really. What if I had researched more, questioned more, consulted with that other physician? Maybe if I had tried ANOTHER treatment or read that OTHER Medical School textbook or INSISTED on repeating that unusual blood test once again, maybe THAT would have restored me. Maybe THAT would have been my miracle breakthrough? In my memory banks, what I had brought to the journey, was never enough. Relentless dedication & investigation, became my calling card. I was somehow trying to PROVE that I WAS WORTHY of health.
“Please World, tell me I deserve to heal?”
When doctors didn’t believe me or my friends rolled their eyes, I only pushed more. I believed that if I tried harder … amped UP my intensity, the UNIVERSE would somehow notice my efforts and gift me my reward. I found letters I had written to ‘my illness’, ‘my body’, ‘my past’, ‘my higher self’, even, to God. Journals FILLED with affirmations, goals and positive thinking. YEARS & YEARS of it. An impressive collection for sure.
For too long, I believed that I didn’t DO enough. That me, imperfect & unwell, would never BE enough. And because I wasn’t FIXED, I had failed. Somewhere along the journey, I decided to believe, that I was UNWORTHY of happiness, of healing, unworthy of a great life. Now sitting on my parent’s driveway in late 2014, trawling through an unexpected Time Capsule coated in dust and wrapped in cardboard … I FINALLY had my proof. I had all the evidence I needed.
Clearly, I gave it my all. Clearly, I never gave up on me.
For a moment, I was irrevocably linked with my Past Self. That cardboard Time Capsule serving as a sacred bridge on which we both dwelled.
I felt what she felt. I saw what she saw.
I remembered her desperation, her fear, her disappointment… but I also saw a WHOLE lot more. Her guts, her strength, her unrelenting desire to make it. A spark. A resilience. A brilliant Soul … who never gave in, no matter what.
I new what I had to do.
To move forward, I had to let it ALL go.
The paper trail, the rubbish beliefs and ALL of the paraphernalia I’d collected to PROVE my efforts & validate my quest. I had finally snagged the evidence I longed for, but funny thing was, I didn’t need it anymore. Ripping those files to shreds (literally) was the BEST therapy I ever had.
I acknowledged my journey. I made it ok. I ditched the BADGE OF FAILURE, once & for all.
Fight for your healing. Yes, do that. But don’t waste your energy fighting to validate your worthiness to heal. You don’t need anyone else’s permission. You don’t need to wait your turn. There’s NOTHING you need to prove. Healing isn’t something that happens to you if you are good enough or deserve it enough.
It’s natural. It’s your birthright. Therefore my friend, you cannot ever fail.
You DESERVE to be healthy & happy, to reach your incredible potential AND to live life to the fullest. Not because of how much you do, your impressive score card, or if you are deemed worthy enough. You deserve it simply because you exist. You deserve it because you are a child of the Universe. You deserve it, because you are alive. Healing is always present. Healing is always happening. Even in the places you least expect it … like buried within a cardboard box of mementoes.
So, do what I did. Throw away any rubbish beliefs that are holding you back. Everything that has happened, has brought you to this moment. And now, is the RIGHT time, to finish what you started. Accept that you ARE worthy. YES. YOU. ARE. And when you ACCEPT that, BELIEVE that, and KNOW that, you will never doubt yourself ever again.
‘Envious’ campaign photographs-
Photographer Darren Centofanti
Fashion Design & Styling Amelia Hill (Me)
Hair & Make Up Emma Hack
I am so fortunate to be able to say you are my friend. You are appreciated. #amazingameliahill
You are one kind Soul, Dennis! I feel lucky to call you my friend too! x
Bless you my dear friend. Thank you for your wise words. Love you. Xx
Thank you for reading my post, Katrina. I love you too! x
I am so glad to hear that you have reached this conclusion. People with chronic illness tend to receive so many well meaning subtle and not so subtle ‘if only you did x you would be better’ messages, that it is very easy to internalize them and feel woefully inadequate. Healing is complex, it seems that you are improving, so in that sense you are already better (than you were), and will be more better – when you are better still. I trust that having gained this perspective of ‘adequateness’ of which you have so eloquently written here, that you will retain it no matter what other messages people (knowingly or unknowingly) give you.
All the best,
El
Thank you for your observations, EI. I appreciate them. Best wishes to you 🙂
Wow Amelia… good for you for throwing those records away! I am definitely not there yet. My issue is not so much needing to prove that I am worth healing, but maybe a combo of needing to prove how sick I actually was (for both the family members who just think I have a mental illness and for the MCS crowds who say “well then you never had it if you’re well now, because it’s incurable.” I also think I will need to spend some time with mine to help me process the whole experience, and the experience isn’t even over yet, so that might be an open-ended quest.
I did open up my storage unit about a year ago, after about 6 years away from everything. Mind-boggling, isn’t it? It’s enough to make you feel a little insane, facing this “past life,” which is exactly what it feels like. And my stuff was all from my moldy house… not sure if you had that issue. And I’ve had a hard time releasing the belief (that all the mold experts claim) that you can never be around that stuff again. But of course I’m hard-headed and not giving up so easily. I’m going to have to try to find some balance between the urge to free myself of all those belongings (which is so highly-touted by the spiritual and “enlightened” crowd) and regaining some of the *things* that make me feel less traumatized and less impoverished or “lacking.” Reclaiming the belongings can erase that whole “the time I lost everything” event from life’s timeline. I’ve seen this event happen to too many people via Hurricane Katrina and house fires, and still after 10 years people are mourning the loss of their belongings. Why do that to myself?
I can at least salvage the photos, journals, and letters, and also restart my new life with some household things like ladders and tools (yes, mostly things that wouldn’t share my living space) that would be expensive to replace. But then that means I am somehow integrating the old me with the sick me AND with the future me, and that is something I can’t quite wrap my brain around yet.