It’s Not Over

I think it’s safe to say, I spent most of my teens and twenties feeling like a total loser. Looking back, I never felt like I was enough. Ever.

I struggled, I second-guessed, I didn’t speak up or set boundaries or go after my biggest dreams. On the outside it may have looked otherwise, but on the inside, negative self-talk and loathing was rampant. I stayed dumbed-down. I played small.

Most of my choices, were anchored in and motivated by this all-pervading insecurity. The decisions I made, the behavior I accepted, the excuses I created. But most heartbreaking for me now, I see how I repeatedly stepped away from potentially awesome opportunities. I opted out because I didn’t believe that I deserved to shine.

Reflecting on the girl I once was, I feel sad. I wonder about the many roads untraveled. I morn the many dreams that went unrealised. Man, I had the talent, I had the capability. If I had only believed in me, I might have got to experience some incredibly rewarding moments. Seen dreams come true. I had so much potential.

Now the irony hits me over the head like a sack of organic vegetables.
I am no longer that insecure girl. Years of soul-defining Q&A along with the challenges and isolation of chronic illness forced me to dig deep, speak up, befriend myself, discover my own untapped strength. Now I know firsthand who I really am.

Courageous.
Creative.
Clever.
Capable of amazing things.

 

I FINALLY know, that actually I DO have what it takes. But now I’m separated from the world and the people in it. I’m stuck in one room and in a body that defines my day and what I can and can’t do. I am isolated but not by choice. My heart screams out for life and for a do-over.

I finally have in me what I need to live the life I’ve always imagined. The one I longed for in my teens and twenties but was too afraid to claim. I know 100%, I deserve to go for it. Just GO. FOR. IT. Instead, that potential is just draining away. The level of frustration, devastation and grief I feel is indescribable.

So, what next?

 

How can I go from feeling sad and defeated to feeling excited about my future?

 

An evolution like that, takes a MASSIVE shift of perspective. I’m going to have to believe BIGGER than I ever have before. I’m going to have to reach for something completely new.

I will have to CHOOSE to believe that it’s not over. I will have to really believe, without doubt, from the inside out, that it’s SO not over for me.

It is possible to reach my full potential. It is possible to live an amazing, full and happy life. It is possible to be the best version of me. 

The past doesn’t determine my future, what I do in this very moment does.

With this new perspective, I now move forward with a new way to live. NO MORE LIVING SMALL. It’s not over. It’s not over for me … and it’s not over for you either. It’s NEVER too late to be the person you’ve always dreamed of. The one you were destined to be.

 

 

 

 

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