I’d seen it before.
An unfamiliar story, it was not. When too many challenges descended all at once, I crumbled under the weight.
I am strong.
I am resilient.
I am determined. But I also know, that I am carrying around a heap of stresses on a daily basis, and when life throws too many curve balls at me, all at once, I almost always, drop the lot.
These last two weeks, I really wanted to give up. Throw in the towel. I felt more alone than ever before. Stripped of all choice. I felt backed into a corner … with no reprieve … no way out.
I wanted to go for a long drive. Take a walk on the beach. I wanted to just hang out with some friends. Laugh, dance, eat a delicious meal. But I couldn’t do any of those things.
I wanted to feel carefree, lighthearted, loved and irrevocably unstoppable.
I wanted to feel, like the Universe had my back.100%.
But, surrounded by circumstances beyond my control & with no outside world to lean on, I sat in a room. The one room I’d been confined to for WAY too long. I sat there day after day, and I cried.
I felt sorry for myself.
I felt the deep, unrelenting ache of longing for a life that lay beyond my reach. Boy, that ache. I knew that ache so well.
With so much to be grateful for, I felt guilty for feeling broken. I had a roof over my head. I had pumpkin for breakfast. I had the support of my Mum & Step Dad. But still, I wanted more.
On day twelve, in the midst of despair & defeat, I heard a voice, my inner voice … a lifeline.
I knew I had to find my way back. I knew deep down, I had to fight for my dreams.
Somehow, on that day twelve, I managed to plop myself on my meditation mat. Without expectation. There I just sat.
I called in power.
I called in presence.
I called in a consciousness greater than mine. I called in the light.
I aligned myself with something GREATER than my sorrow. Something GREATER than my circumstances. Something GREATER than the limitations that encircled me … greater than the curve balls, something greater, than the pain.
So without much oomph to speak of, I just sat there. In my room. On my mat. I sat there, and I surrendered.
Slowly, things began to change.
I came back.
I came back to who I really was. I came back to the part of me that can NEVER be curtailed by suffering or heartbreak. The part of me that illness can NEVER take away. I came back to the part of me that is TRULY who I am. After twelve days of darkness and spiritual amnesia, I came back to me.
This illness may push me, constrict me, test me, even dictate, what I can and can’t do. But what I must remember, is that I am NOT the circumstances of my life. I am not my body, my health status, my test results or what I see when I look in the mirror.
I am not the opinion of others or the disapointments of the past. I am not the number of friends I have or the number of friends I have lost. I am not even, who I thought I was or hoped I would become.
I am not the four walls that surround me now.
This whole experience has taught me, that I can never really be defined by any of these things. My heart, my soul, my primal essence, is SO much more than that.
Even if I feel completely alone and have zero idea of what to do next, I have learned, that sometimes in that very same space, and that very same silence, the voice of guidance appears.
So after three days of hardcore, life-saving Medi practice, I felt realigned.
My dialogue shifted.
My spirit lifted.
I started feeling hopeful again.
I’m not quite there yet, nope. But, I know I’m on my way.
One thing is inevitable.
You will encounter setbacks, unfair moments and obstacles that seem impenetrable. Every journey worth making is filled with them. But, your mission, like mine, is to not let these things derail you permanently. You achieve this, not only by choosing to keep on moving forward, as best as you can, no matter what, but by remembering the unchangeable truth of who you really are.
Ultimately it does not matter how many times you fall down. I should know, I’ve landed on my tush more times than most. What really matters, Great Soul, is how many times you get back up again.
So … GET BACK UP.
You CAN do this. You absolutely can. Because no matter what opposition you face or what mountains you must climb, you ARE and ALWAYS will be, INFINITELY brighter than it all. And NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, that light inside of you, that beautiful and wise and omnipotentent light, can NEVER be extinguished or thethered by circumstance. Don’t EVER forget that. And I promise you, neither will I.
hi Missy A,
So sorry to hear you had such a tough time lately but so glad to read that you found your way back to spiritual homeostasis. There are things I want to communicate but I don’t know that I have the right words for them. I have had such a rough year, myself. But the spiritual growth and Universal truths that I have discovered on my path have been worth the difficult and often heart wrenching journey. I find myself embracing the whole of my life more now and further releasing expectations of how things are supposed to look. Keep that inner flame burning Missy A, it will carry you far. When we can rely on our own embers to fuel our spirit rather than external illusions, we have achieved a lot. With you in the astral plane, keep on shining your brightness! xx Julie
Hi Missy J.. “When we can rely on our own embers to fuel our spirit” … such a powerful lesson. I know you have walked quite a journey of self-discovery yourself and understand the blessings & the heartache contain within.
Thanks for reading my post & for sharing your experiences here.
Shine on!! xx
Beautiful post, Amelia. I sometimes think we’re in such a rush to push away the darker sides of life, instead of sitting with the discomfort, breathing in to it, and allowing it to exist (as you did through meditation). When we allow ourselves to sit still, we pierce the layers of illusion we’ve built up, and fall back in to our essential nature.
Thank you for sharing with us.
C xxx
So beautifully & wisely said, Carly.
Man.. I’m seriously “piercing through layers of illusion” left, right & centre over here, Girl! Hee hee
Hi Amelia, pls check out Dr Wilson’s website, here are his Australian contacts http://drlwilson.com/do%20hair%20analysis.htm#AUSTRALIA. I am not affiliated in any way but after nearly two decades slowly getting back up and running. It may not work for you but check it out perhaps and see. You are loved and it will get better.
God bless
Hi Mimi,
Thanks for your blessings, so kind of you.
Yes, I’m aware of Dr Wilson’s website – very helpful indeed! So glad it has been helped you on your healing journey.
Sending you my best wishes & continued health & happiness!
A x
Absolutely gorgeous and moving piece, Amelia! It gave me goosebumps reading it.
One of the consistent messages coming in for me and my clients at the moment is that of “Grace”.
And what you’ve written so beautifully here, is a description of just that. I’m going to share this piece on my Facebook page. You truly are amazing, and inspiring. X
Hi Amanda, thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing my post with your readers.
You are right… There are many lessons to learn when we face great challenges in life … Embracing grace is one of them. I’m growing every single day.
Hugs to you x
I wondered why you hadn’t posted anything for a few days. I love your posts and your positive spirit is SO inspiring. Do remember you are helping inspire people all around the world. Is there a documentary about you btw? If so i’d love to see it. All the best, Kate
Thank you for your kind words, Kate.. I so appreciate.
I have been approached by several television programs, but can only manage so much with my current energy/health levels.
You can keep in touch with interviews on my media page
http://www.ameliahill.com/media-links/
Thanks again for reading my blog, means the world to me.
Best wishes to you,
A xx
Honestly whenever I feel down, I look at your blog or your instagram and it always makes me feel so much better. Thank you!. really, thank you.
Hi Kate!
It’s not always easy sharing my healing journey with the world. But what motivates me is the hope that .. maybe, just maybe there’s someone out there that might be helped because I did.
So THANK YOU for kind message. Not only did your words just warm my heart, … you just inspired me to keep on sharing.
Big hugs
A x
So great that we can communicate through the internet. One other thing I was wondering is have you looked into Mast Cell Activation Syndrome?
Also have you heard of the Gupta Programme for MCS? I am not affiliated in any way but have met people who have been helped by it! http://www.guptaprogramme.com/
Hi Kate, thanks for your message.
Yes, I completed the Gupta Programme a couple of years ago. I’ve also completed the DNRS programme too. I use these techniques daily. You?