2015… It’s a wrap!

 

BIRTHDAY THRESHOLD

A conscious decision to start January 2015 on a high, resulted in me planning a birthday to remember. Not only was a week filled with some much needed fun on the agenda, but also, a personally crafted list of milestones moments that might ignite and embody the elusive feelings and realities that I longed for. Experiences that would allow me to glimpse a ‘well’ version of myself. A version of me that was moving forward, healing, smiling & living life.

The week began with the most heart-opening moment yet. Hugging two of my besties for the first time in well over 3 years. YES. 3 LONG years.

It’s hard to capture in words just how I felt in that moment. I had imagined what that hug would feel like many times over.

Confined to one room minus any social life, it’s things like face to face human conversation, beaming smiles & eye contact that your heart really wishes for.

Long term isolation has definitely changed me. When my world first shrunk to minuscule proportions in every way imaginable, it became quiet. Deafening silent. A life separate from the things, goals & people I loved most. That one profound shift, rewrote priorities & refined my appreciation for all things in a nano second.

Years ago, a hug from one of my friends was a regular occurrence. However lovely & treasured at the time, I never imagined a life without them. That incredible, hug happy day of my birthday week, showed me in the most beautiful  way possible, that love & human touch is a powerful healer. That day in January, I distinctly recall feeling like I’d stepped over a threshold. A seeming insignificant embrace, transformed my small, silent existence. I felt a massive surge of hope & potential rise up on the inside. I was suddenly apart of the world again.

You can read about my other birthday week adventures over here.

 

MCS AWARENESS DAY

To coincide with MCS Awareness Day on May 23, I was interviewed for ‘The Weekend Magazine’ in The Advertiser Newspaper. The whole week in itself is an opportunity to raise much needed awareness for MCS & a variety of other Environmental & Neuro Immune Inflammatory Illnesses as well, like CFS & Lyme Disease.

I always feel a little hesitant about sharing my story in such a public way. It’s difficult put yourself out there, vulnerable & exposed to judgment. I also find it physically exhausting so it takes a lot out of me as well.

But saying that, I do believe that there is no greater teacher than personal experience. And if I can find the courage to stand up & say “Hey… This is my story & this is what MCS & CFS looks like for me”, I hope that I will not only inspire other brave peeps around the world who are also suffering with these illnesses to do the same (because the sound of many voices cannot be ignored), but that I might in some small way help to raise the profile for these often invisible illnesses & garner further community understanding & desperately needed health services.

If you missed the article, you can catch the deets here.

 

A GAME CHANGING BLOG POST

This year I penned the most important piece of writing I have ever written. I had been carrying the sentiment around with me for quite a while, although I couldn’t quite seem to put my finger on it. It was definitively weighing down on my shoulders. Gnawing away at me even. When I finally put some words to the feeling, I felt immense relief. I was able to exhale.

Emotions of intense & raw- worthy authenticity & liberation greeted me in equal measure.

My greatest hopes & fears expressed … my soul had officially been heard. And wow, did that feel good.

Thanks to everyone who made this post the most read blog post of the year. Missed out? Go here.

 

 

WHY I LEFT MY SAFEROOM & MOVED INTO THE BATHROOM

Every great healing journey will encounter setbacks. I have experienced many over the years. Yes, they can floor you, even derail you completely, but somehow, you find your way through.

This past June, I started to notice a steady decline in my overall health. That in itself wasn’t all that peculiar. Ups & downs are the usual momentum over here. But this time, something was distinctly different.

Daily symptoms skyrocketed, new & equally disabling ones appeared. Constant & gaining intensity, I couldn’t figure it out.

One day I had an ‘A Ha’ moment. The intensified burning & congestion I was experiencing in my airways, reminded me of how I had felt at my old house. The one that was affected by mould. In an instant I knew what I had to do.

I ordered an air & surface mould test kit and when the results returned a few days later, the reason for my health deterioration was revealed. Sky high levels of dangerous mycotoxin producing mould spores. And I mean REALLY high.

I just couldn’t believe it was happening. Not again. And not now. How was this fair?

With a change in the seasons, a leak in the house roof suddenly escalated & had infiltrated the ceiling cavity above my safe room. My only refuge had now become completely contaminated.

I’m well aware of the serious consequences of mould exposure. I also know that I have tested positive for genetic susceptibility to biotoxin related illness. Appropriately tagged, ‘the dreaded genome type’. So breathing in mycotoxin producing mould species 24/4, was quite possibly one of the worst things that could have happened in regards to my health. My treating doctor agreed.

With no other options for immediate relocation, I made the decision to move into the bathroom.

I had to throw away most of my bedding, including the organic cotton quilt & pillows that had taken me well over a year for my body to tolerate, along with the cotton blankets I was using as a makeshift mattress as well. Prior to that, I was sleeping on the wooden slats of my fold-out bed. I cried tears of gratitude the night I slept on top of the slightly softer barrier of the blankets for the first time in 18 months. I cried once again when those same precious & extremely valued blankets were irrevocably contaminated with mould & had to be thrown away. But those tears were far from happy ones.

The first four weeks on the bathroom floor, my health plummeted even further. Not uncommon when someone with EI/MCS suddenly changes environment. This happened to me when I moved from my old house to this one.

I had the air tested in the bathroom for mould spore levels. As I had suspected, they were also elevated & considered an unhealthy living environment for me. But the levels were nowhere near as high as my safe room.

Several weeks later, we decided to try & relocate me into the only other available room in the house, a small study, a fraction bigger than the bathroom. The air quality was tested and it was similar to the bathroom, so my Mum & Step Dad completely stripped that room bare of every last thing, washed down the walls & dry laid galvanised iron sheets & freshly washed ceramic tiles over the hardwood floors.

I then attempted to transition into this room. I tried multiple times over the following weeks, but I failed every single time.

To say I felt defeated was an understatement. I felt like a total hopeless case of a freak show. I could see no way out. All the progress I had fought so hard for was gone. I just couldn’t believe this was my life… reduced to a couple of metres of ceramic bathroom floor. Now with no view outside.

My world now smaller than before. And not just literally, but in all ways. I couldn’t take it any more. So I did something I thought that I would never do. I gave up.

I forgot the reasons why I wanted to be the one who made it. I forgot why I wanted to be ‘well’ no matter what. Utterly exhausted & faced with another unthinkable setback, I forgot that life was anything more than struggle, loss and grief. Time was passing by & years of my precious life were passing along with them.

I started to get very logical about it. Had I tried my absolute best? Yes. Had I been a burden on my parents lives? Double yes.

I didn’t have a family of my own, a love story to live for, a circle of friends to hang out with, a career that I was fulfilled by. I couldn’t argue with what I saw. My life was so far from my greatest dream. So removed from my best me.

My mojo left.
My spiritual muscles went limp.
My desire to hold onto my futureself faded away.

With a body struggling to get through each day & with nothing to look forward to, everything seemed hopeless. I couldn’t find a good reason to be here anymore.

Then I stopped the last two things which brought me the only joy I had left, my only light & saviour. Meditation & writing.

 

LOOKING AHEAD

Well it’s been five months & I’m still living in the bathroom. I’m not gonna sugar coat it, it hasn’t been easy, fun or ideal, for me or my Mum & Step Dad.

This is definitely not how I envisioned rounding out 2015. I had big ideas & progress milestones to achieve … a new house to complete, a book project to finish, greater energy & food intake, more freedom, social interaction & an in-person trip to the ocean (#OperationBeach has been in the works for a mega long time now without manifestation).

Before my bathroom relocation, my focus was razor sharp. With two hours meditation & brain retaining daily, I felt a healing breakthrough was imminent. I believed 100% that I would regain my health & reclaim my life. I wasn’t sure how it would happen, but I knew without doubt that I would.

But an escalation of physical symptoms along with the profound isolation & emotional turmoil that followed, changed all of that in the most fearfully convincing way. Epic levels of doubt descended and I no longer believed in my ability to heal. I no longer felt assured that God, the Universe or the ‘Powers That Be’ had my back.

So this is where I am now. Somewhere unexpected.
Somewhere scary.
Somewhere, which is so much farther from my dream life than I ever wanted to contemplate. Somewhere where I am questioning on a daily basis whether my future self is still waiting for me. And whether I’ve still got what it takes to find her.

Yes, this where I am now.
Right at the conclusion of 2015 & still experiencing the brunt of its many challenges. But if I’m brave enough to look a little deeper, another truth might just greet me too.

A future yet unwritten.
The cusp of a new beginning.
A shiny fresh start.
The BRAVE TRUTH is, that the future is not yet determined. The year ahead CAN still be anything it wants to be.

Hopeful.
Happy.
Overflowing with promise.

And if I keep looking deeper & keep being just a little bit brave, there might just be a comeback on my horizon. A success story still to tell. A podium finish yet to celebrate.

So 2016, I choose to believe in all that you CAN be, even if I can’t yet see brighter days ahead. And 2016, in good time, I hope that I will understand how to grow through this setback & learn the most important thing of all… the way back to my inner fighting spirit & to really believe wholeheartedly in myself again.

 

 

P.S Thank you all for not only reading my blog & being apart of my healing journey this year, but also for your many kind messages of love & support. On many occasions your words were literally my oxygen & my lifeline. I am eternally grateful. xx

P.P.S Bubba & I (check out the cute Christmas photos above) wish you all every happiness for the year ahead!